2012 in a nutshell..

well, last thing I wrote on here was pretty much a year ago. It seems to have gone by very quickly, yet this year has been particularly hard on me, which makes it seem like ages. I thought I would attempt to write down all that has happened and even attempt to look back and see what I have learned. Ill try not to make it seem to depressing or weigh it down with details. For the most part my father has been in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation centers for the past year and still going. I didn't end up taking the MCAT like I said I was, because the week before was when my dad was first in the hospital in the ER... and just like that in a very short amount of time, I've hit the infamous quarter- life crisis,also particularly hard. Not only have I second-guessed my career choice to be a doctor, but i have second-guessed my faith, which maybe the more difficult of the two. I have no more answers, maybe even no more questions to ask... what's done is done. I have devoted the past year of my life to my fathers well-being, and care and for as long as he is here, i will be by his side. I moved back home, along with my job here. Got my own little place,and bought a new(2010) car! I left Prescott so suddenly, that later it dawned on my how much i really liked it there! it grew on me! and best of all the people were fantastic and i still keep in touch with them!I don't have much of a social life, its rare to find time for myself, and when there is, all i want to do is just relax at home and maybe watch a movie that came out a year ago, that i would have liked to see in theaters. Im almost positive that this year has aged me, and i don't sleep too well anymore, so that may be a factor! however, at the end of the day, i feel grateful, for the friends and family that i do have and have stood beside me :) Im not perfect by any means and i'm still working on me...but cherish every moment with anyone that is special to you,know that its better to say too much than never to say what you need to say.

Update...or lack there of.

I can't believe i haven't written a thing on this blog in 4 months!! you know what they say.. the older you get the faster time seems to go by! sooo true!!! Not a whole lot has happened in the past 4 months... a)I've officially been at the VA for a year!!! which is crazy to me..but I'm grateful to have had such a learning experience here!! what a great first job in the field!!! b) had a nice time with my family and friends over the holidays!! c) i turned 24...which is also crazy to me! lol! i think my age is finally catching up to my maturity level! lol!!
other than that, i will be taking the MCAT in the next month or so....WHETHER I'm ready for it or not!! i just need to know what its gonna be...med school or no med school! lol! If so, great! ill pack up here..and head back to vegas next fall or something....and if not, ill probably take the GRE in the spring or summer and apply to PA school! which I've done a little more research about and I'm liking what I'm seeing!! it would a great fit for me! and who knows what will happen this year!!!
Heres wishing to a WONDERFUL and FULL of great news year of 2012!!! I think it will be! :)
cheers!

dreams...

those who know me...know that my dreams are very practical and logical.... almost always im just dreaming of a regular day in the life of me. its pretty boring actually. i hear other people talk about crazy dreams and its like listening to some crazy, SiFi hollywood movie script! and i wonder why mine are so dull! i don't think i am a dull person..or lead a dull and uneventful life(this is not based on my life in prescott of course).But i guess the nice thing is.. if something is REALLY on my mind...ill almost always dream of it..and realize something when i wake up!! for example... if i'm nervous for some kind of interview...ill dream about it...and go through the motions of the interview and wake up feeling confident because i did so well in my dream! haha! or if a potential romantic interest enters my life....ill dream about him..and thats a pretty BIG sign to me that i may really like this guy if he's in my dream! So i suppose in the end its nice having dull uninteresting dreams :-)

its wedding season...

well what can i say has been new...? Ive done nothing but take small road trips back and forth from here to vegas and flagstaff... there have been a couple of absolutely beautiful weddings...so honored that i was invited and that i attended. with each passing wedding i go to, i get more and more emotional! i take away wonderful memories from them!! So happy for both newlyweds!!

contemplation.. on who i am perhaps.

strange how when you finally begin to think you know, you don't. and this goes for everything.... career,love,family, friends...just life in general. I have done nothing more than contemplate all the above since I have been in Prescott. Sure, the whole living alone, and no close friends nearby MAY be a factor.. but its a good thing, i don't mind being alone...no matter how much I think I know.... I don't :)

so far, I've realized that I'm even more terrified of taking the MCATs a second time around than i was the first time around. Im afraid. I've never FAILED so badly at anything..and i don't know if i can handle it again. does that make me weak!?

AND lately, i'm getting it from ALL angles, about love and relationships...its strange to people that I'm a 23 year old,single,never been an actual relationship girl. Im not a prude. I know what I want..I am not in a hurry.. I wont settle and I'm not a risk taker. I am not a gambler. I am a scientist. I predict outcome before I run the experiment. and if I predict the outcome not in my favor, why run the experiment? why not gather more information and be more precise? .................is it trust issues!? sure! who doesn't have them!?? Is it so illogical to want a relationship based on friendship...i mean.. how can I have a BOYfriend without being my FRIEND first?! and not a friend with initial intentions of more either. this is why i don't DATE. people are not really who they are anyway..and its all confusing about where the relationship is going! just doesn't make sense to me.
anyone who knows me well, will say to the guy that ends up with me who will be the most patient guy in the world... "You better make sure those feelings are accurate, because once you crack that shell, and you're wrong, she will die of lonlieness before she trust someone again". once you have passed my walls, its easy for me to love with all that I am.

I got the following from a very well done wrap-up on Grey's Anatomy. sure, its a little melodramatic but it struck a chord with me so to speak...lets say..I've wondered and thought the same things:
"There is a reason I said, I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I actually THOUGHT I'd be happy alone, it was because i thought if i loved someone and that fell apart, I might not make it. Its easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your whole life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?? Losing love is like organ damage...its like dying.. the only difference is death ends...and this..it could go on forever."

where does the time go!??

oh my goodness, I can't believe its almost MAY!! crazy that I've been here for 4 months now!! Well NOT a whole lot of exciting news in the world of maryann.. just layin' low, working, payin the bills...hahah!! Had a lovely easter..didn't get to go home but it was still nice....I ATTEMPTED to go to a small church here(eastern orthodox) last sunday but they must have had a service the night before or something... I showed up around 9 and not a soul was there! but it is a really cute little church.. I'lll try again next week:)
other than that...I've been enjoying my time here and I know I wont be here forever...but I'd like to come back and retire here!( but thats a little bit later down the road:) I feel like I am really doing the whole soul searching thing..which I guess is cool. Im focusing more on me..which I've never really done...I'm exercising regularly!(finally) I figure thats a start! haha! Everyone wonders how i seem to be managing without any friends or family around..but I've always been very independent and on my own since childhood.. so it doesn't really bother me. I know I SHOULD make more of an attempt to make more friends( in my generation) but I feel like whoever is meant to be in my life will just...walk in! ya know!?? The weather here has been FABULOUS! so excited that it is finally spring and I'm sure this summer will be awesome!! Gosh...I just can't believe how FAST time is going by!!

P-town life

Well....what can I say....I've been CRAZY busy since my job has started, getting adjusted has been SLOW...mostly because I JUST finished buying MOST of my furniture...and the apartment is slowly feeling a little more cozy:) its easier to get adjusted in college...you're with people you know, and most of the moving is just your clothes, and bedding and a few other essential. Moving in a completely empty apartment by yourself, takes a little more work, time and MONEY! Work has been good...I'm learning a lot and everyday.... I really enjoy the company of my co-workers, they are a fun bunch. As far as a social life, that has been at a complete halt, but I think its better that way...so that I can RE-focus on the MCAT and all that. I haven't studied since I've been here!! And as always, I have the MOST SUPPORTIVE family and friends:) talk to most on a weekly basis.
So life is good, I couldn't be happier....well I could be happier if I got the MCAT out of the way, but OTHER than that...its all good!!

crazy little thing called LIFE :)

So... all in all, life is good. couldn't complain one bit. Getting paid is SOO wonderful for a change. just the other day i went to visit my best friend in tucson and withdrew 40$ from an atm WITHOUT feeling guilty or worried later that it was a huge mistake to. But of course with money comes expenses and im trying very very hard to save up and keep my budget in order or some kind of system... im sure in a couple more months everything will be in full swing! I FINALLY ordered furniture and hopefully cable and internet and phone are next in line... slowly but surely, everything is coming together. So grateful for what i have and the fact that i have everything i could possibly NEED, family,friendships,laughter and a job! im tired most days...but i pray that i can find more energy somewhere soon to carry on with my MCAT studies...thats been postponed again due to job/moving. A good friend of mine gave me a good kick in the pants that i needed to refocus and stop delaying. So every day is an adventure here! i have been asked out but unfortunately by men who are a LITTLE bit out of my age range. HA! never a dull day here, surprisingly, since its really small and quiet.

Lets start anew..

man! how the time flies when you get older! 2010 went by SO fast i feel like. And like every year it had its ups and downs. I graduated in May and got a government job by December, NOT bad for a years work. im glad i met my short term goals! Have lots to look forward to in 2011.
So i just started my new job for this New Year and its really great! Co-workers are great, the job can be difficult, but im sure ill get the hang of it in no time. I really like Prescott, its small and quiet, both of which, i enjoy in my life. I have no idea how ill make more friends (my age) here but it will all come with time! I know it will be lonely at first, but fortunately, i have been blessed with wonderful family and friends that have not left my side through this new transition. I've been seeing familiar faces/will be seeing familiar faces for the first whole month i am here! --- No furniture yet in my apartment, but it is coming soon(with a paycheck of course!) Im super excited for that!
Other than that! All is well :)

Im a big kid now..... eeee!!

Sooooo....this past week has been nothing but exciting news!! i got a call from the VA (Veterans Affairs Dept.) the position is Medical Supply tech. so i would be decontaminating and sterilizing medical instruments(who better to do that than a microbiologist? right!?) i think i can learn a ton from this and will be working at the VA Hospital in AZ!!
i got an interview for the middle of the week! so...i took a little trip down to AZ with my cousin, looked around the city, had to check out the mall of course(its sooo cute!)! ahaah! and then i had my interview the following morning! after a long interview and walkthrough everything, then a small trip to HR for some papers, and then i was offered the job!!and i accepted!!!! hahah!
so all and all, i'm happy,excited,scared, anxious. I NEVER thought this is where an opportunity would rise for me....ive been waiting for SOMETHING to happen, and i think this will be REALLY good for me til i go to med school!!! YAY for being a big kid with a job!! I know i will grow from this experience and just learn a lot, and hopefully make me a better doctor one day!! i feel like everything is finally falling into place! Hope this lasts!! :)