contemplation.. on who i am perhaps.

strange how when you finally begin to think you know, you don't. and this goes for everything.... career,love,family, friends...just life in general. I have done nothing more than contemplate all the above since I have been in Prescott. Sure, the whole living alone, and no close friends nearby MAY be a factor.. but its a good thing, i don't mind being alone...no matter how much I think I know.... I don't :)

so far, I've realized that I'm even more terrified of taking the MCATs a second time around than i was the first time around. Im afraid. I've never FAILED so badly at anything..and i don't know if i can handle it again. does that make me weak!?

AND lately, i'm getting it from ALL angles, about love and relationships...its strange to people that I'm a 23 year old,single,never been an actual relationship girl. Im not a prude. I know what I want..I am not in a hurry.. I wont settle and I'm not a risk taker. I am not a gambler. I am a scientist. I predict outcome before I run the experiment. and if I predict the outcome not in my favor, why run the experiment? why not gather more information and be more precise? .................is it trust issues!? sure! who doesn't have them!?? Is it so illogical to want a relationship based on friendship...i mean.. how can I have a BOYfriend without being my FRIEND first?! and not a friend with initial intentions of more either. this is why i don't DATE. people are not really who they are anyway..and its all confusing about where the relationship is going! just doesn't make sense to me.
anyone who knows me well, will say to the guy that ends up with me who will be the most patient guy in the world... "You better make sure those feelings are accurate, because once you crack that shell, and you're wrong, she will die of lonlieness before she trust someone again". once you have passed my walls, its easy for me to love with all that I am.

I got the following from a very well done wrap-up on Grey's Anatomy. sure, its a little melodramatic but it struck a chord with me so to speak...lets say..I've wondered and thought the same things:
"There is a reason I said, I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I actually THOUGHT I'd be happy alone, it was because i thought if i loved someone and that fell apart, I might not make it. Its easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your whole life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?? Losing love is like organ damage...its like dying.. the only difference is death ends...and this..it could go on forever."