dreams...

those who know me...know that my dreams are very practical and logical.... almost always im just dreaming of a regular day in the life of me. its pretty boring actually. i hear other people talk about crazy dreams and its like listening to some crazy, SiFi hollywood movie script! and i wonder why mine are so dull! i don't think i am a dull person..or lead a dull and uneventful life(this is not based on my life in prescott of course).But i guess the nice thing is.. if something is REALLY on my mind...ill almost always dream of it..and realize something when i wake up!! for example... if i'm nervous for some kind of interview...ill dream about it...and go through the motions of the interview and wake up feeling confident because i did so well in my dream! haha! or if a potential romantic interest enters my life....ill dream about him..and thats a pretty BIG sign to me that i may really like this guy if he's in my dream! So i suppose in the end its nice having dull uninteresting dreams :-)

its wedding season...

well what can i say has been new...? Ive done nothing but take small road trips back and forth from here to vegas and flagstaff... there have been a couple of absolutely beautiful weddings...so honored that i was invited and that i attended. with each passing wedding i go to, i get more and more emotional! i take away wonderful memories from them!! So happy for both newlyweds!!

contemplation.. on who i am perhaps.

strange how when you finally begin to think you know, you don't. and this goes for everything.... career,love,family, friends...just life in general. I have done nothing more than contemplate all the above since I have been in Prescott. Sure, the whole living alone, and no close friends nearby MAY be a factor.. but its a good thing, i don't mind being alone...no matter how much I think I know.... I don't :)

so far, I've realized that I'm even more terrified of taking the MCATs a second time around than i was the first time around. Im afraid. I've never FAILED so badly at anything..and i don't know if i can handle it again. does that make me weak!?

AND lately, i'm getting it from ALL angles, about love and relationships...its strange to people that I'm a 23 year old,single,never been an actual relationship girl. Im not a prude. I know what I want..I am not in a hurry.. I wont settle and I'm not a risk taker. I am not a gambler. I am a scientist. I predict outcome before I run the experiment. and if I predict the outcome not in my favor, why run the experiment? why not gather more information and be more precise? .................is it trust issues!? sure! who doesn't have them!?? Is it so illogical to want a relationship based on friendship...i mean.. how can I have a BOYfriend without being my FRIEND first?! and not a friend with initial intentions of more either. this is why i don't DATE. people are not really who they are anyway..and its all confusing about where the relationship is going! just doesn't make sense to me.
anyone who knows me well, will say to the guy that ends up with me who will be the most patient guy in the world... "You better make sure those feelings are accurate, because once you crack that shell, and you're wrong, she will die of lonlieness before she trust someone again". once you have passed my walls, its easy for me to love with all that I am.

I got the following from a very well done wrap-up on Grey's Anatomy. sure, its a little melodramatic but it struck a chord with me so to speak...lets say..I've wondered and thought the same things:
"There is a reason I said, I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I actually THOUGHT I'd be happy alone, it was because i thought if i loved someone and that fell apart, I might not make it. Its easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your whole life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?? Losing love is like organ damage...its like dying.. the only difference is death ends...and this..it could go on forever."

where does the time go!??

oh my goodness, I can't believe its almost MAY!! crazy that I've been here for 4 months now!! Well NOT a whole lot of exciting news in the world of maryann.. just layin' low, working, payin the bills...hahah!! Had a lovely easter..didn't get to go home but it was still nice....I ATTEMPTED to go to a small church here(eastern orthodox) last sunday but they must have had a service the night before or something... I showed up around 9 and not a soul was there! but it is a really cute little church.. I'lll try again next week:)
other than that...I've been enjoying my time here and I know I wont be here forever...but I'd like to come back and retire here!( but thats a little bit later down the road:) I feel like I am really doing the whole soul searching thing..which I guess is cool. Im focusing more on me..which I've never really done...I'm exercising regularly!(finally) I figure thats a start! haha! Everyone wonders how i seem to be managing without any friends or family around..but I've always been very independent and on my own since childhood.. so it doesn't really bother me. I know I SHOULD make more of an attempt to make more friends( in my generation) but I feel like whoever is meant to be in my life will just...walk in! ya know!?? The weather here has been FABULOUS! so excited that it is finally spring and I'm sure this summer will be awesome!! Gosh...I just can't believe how FAST time is going by!!

P-town life

Well....what can I say....I've been CRAZY busy since my job has started, getting adjusted has been SLOW...mostly because I JUST finished buying MOST of my furniture...and the apartment is slowly feeling a little more cozy:) its easier to get adjusted in college...you're with people you know, and most of the moving is just your clothes, and bedding and a few other essential. Moving in a completely empty apartment by yourself, takes a little more work, time and MONEY! Work has been good...I'm learning a lot and everyday.... I really enjoy the company of my co-workers, they are a fun bunch. As far as a social life, that has been at a complete halt, but I think its better that way...so that I can RE-focus on the MCAT and all that. I haven't studied since I've been here!! And as always, I have the MOST SUPPORTIVE family and friends:) talk to most on a weekly basis.
So life is good, I couldn't be happier....well I could be happier if I got the MCAT out of the way, but OTHER than that...its all good!!

crazy little thing called LIFE :)

So... all in all, life is good. couldn't complain one bit. Getting paid is SOO wonderful for a change. just the other day i went to visit my best friend in tucson and withdrew 40$ from an atm WITHOUT feeling guilty or worried later that it was a huge mistake to. But of course with money comes expenses and im trying very very hard to save up and keep my budget in order or some kind of system... im sure in a couple more months everything will be in full swing! I FINALLY ordered furniture and hopefully cable and internet and phone are next in line... slowly but surely, everything is coming together. So grateful for what i have and the fact that i have everything i could possibly NEED, family,friendships,laughter and a job! im tired most days...but i pray that i can find more energy somewhere soon to carry on with my MCAT studies...thats been postponed again due to job/moving. A good friend of mine gave me a good kick in the pants that i needed to refocus and stop delaying. So every day is an adventure here! i have been asked out but unfortunately by men who are a LITTLE bit out of my age range. HA! never a dull day here, surprisingly, since its really small and quiet.